OUR LAUGHING
MATTERS
4 from 2006
Sample Scripts – scenes 1 through 4 from the 2007 Lee Comedy Club Show
GETTING TOUGH ON CRIME
SLAW & DISORDER part 1
NEWSBREAK
SLAW & DISORDER part 2
OPENING: GETTING TOUGH ON CRIME
script ©2007 by Harry Michael Bagdasian CAST: (5+) Police Chief O’Drulle, Chad, Mayor McDoo, Evil Bagpipe McHaggis, Plitt, & the entire cast
LIGHTS: up on Mayor’s office
Mayor McDoo is asleep in his chair,
his assistant, Chad, enters
MSX: music fades out
CHAD: (entering) Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor, wake up!
CHIEF: (entering) Mayor McDoo.
MAYOR: Police Chief O’Drulle!
CHIEF: You have to do something about the crime wave that’s hitting our city.
MAYOR: Of course! (boasting) I am the “can do” mayor, the crime stopping mayor! (then, almost whining) What am I going to do to stop this crime wave in our fair city?
CHIEF: A new anti-crime commission is working on a comprehensive study.
CHAD: They’ve been studying crime for nine years!
BAGPIPE: (enters with gun drawn) All right, no sudden moves, gentlemen. Gimme yer wallets. (as they do that …) Time for the rich to give to the poor.
CHAD: And what poor would that be?
BAGPIPE: (indicating self) This poor, laddie. (takes the three wallets) I got kids to put through private schools and this haggis-brain (indicate Mayor) keeps raising taxes on us poor working stiffs.
MAYOR: You – you’re the evil Bagpipe McHaggis!
BAGPIPE: Right you are, laddie. Keep your hands up high!
CHIEF: Why don’t you get honest work?
BAGPIPE: It takes three jobs now to feed my seven children and make the ends meet.
MAYOR: (as Bagpipe is leaving) What are your other jobs?
BAGPIPE: I’m a dealer at the casino and I’m a greeter at Wal Mart.
PLITT: (running in, has pad and paper) Mr. McHaggis! Mr. McHaggis! I’m with the city’s anti crime commission. Could you answer a few questions?
BAGPIPE: Certainly.
PLITT: What’s your favorite color?
BAGPIPE: Uh, blue.
PLITT: How many crimes do you commit weekly? 1? 2 to 5? 6 to 10? 10 or more?
BAGPIPE: 10 or more.
PLITT: If the city increased the penalty for crime, would the number of crimes you commit … a) decrease … b) remain the same … or c) increase?
BAGPIPE: “B,” “remain the same”
PLITT: Thank you, sir. Could you sign here? (hands clipboard and pen to McHaggis)
BAGPIPE: (gives gun to Plitt) Hold them off for me, will ya? (without even thinking twice, Plitt holds the gun on the other three men while Bagpipe signs.)
PLITT: And put down you current address and email address, please. (Bagpipe nods and continues writing, then they exchange gun for clipboard and pen) Thank you, sir.
BAGPIPE: Glad to oblige. I will now be off! (exits)
PLITT: Mr. Mayor, your anti-crime commission is always on the job!
CHIEF: Excellent move, Plitt! We now have his home address. We can capture him!
MAYOR: What did he write?
PLITT: (studying the piece of paper) I can’t read his writing!
MAYOR: If you could read it, what would it say?
MANY STUDENTS: (enter and tell the audience …) Live, from E. Brooke Lee Middle School .. It’s Friday Night!!!
MSX: music sting
LIGHTS: blackout
SLAW & DISORDER, part I
Script © 2007 by Austen Villemez
Cast: Announcer, Teacher, Sid, Students 1, 2, and 3, Mic, Clem, Lame, Randy, Tiny, Principal, line of kids
FOLLOWSPOT: up on Announcer
ANNOUNCER: In the educational world there are two important, yet unequal, groups: the students who act like criminals and the teachers who persecute them. These are their stories.
MSX: music – crime show type theme – 8 sec. max.
LIGHTS: up on teacher managing a line of kids going to the bus.
TEACHER: Hey, hey. I need your bus tickets. (Student 1 gives her a ticket, exits) Thank you. . (Student 2 gives her a ticket, exits) Thank you.
SID: Your hair’s on fire!
TEACHER: What?!?
SID: Yoink! (grabs ticket and runs off)
TEACHER: Hey, get back here!! (Student 3 taps her on the shoulder) What?
STUDENT 3: I need a bus ticket.
TEACHER: You were supposed to have one.
STUDENT 3: But, but…
TEACHER: But nothing. You just don’t get to go home today. (Student 3 walks off sadly) All right. Is that everybody?
STUDENT 3: (runs back in) Wait, wait! I have a ticket!
TEACHER: Where did you get it?
STUDENT 3: I, uh, had it the whole time. Yeah, that’ll do.
TEACHER: Fine. You get to go home. (Student 3 exits) Something fishy about this. I’m calling Mic Vacky. (Mic enters while she’s talking.)
MIC: Mic here.
TEACHER: Wow, that was quick.
MIC: I was in the neighborhood, staking out a gang of bathroom graffiti artists. I’ll show them who has a good time. (clenches fist)
TEACHER: Never mind that. I have a new assignment for you. I suspect someone is forging bus tickets. Too many kids are going home on the bus and we don’t have anyone to clean the grease traps at night.
MIC: I see.
TEACHER: Find this culprit before we have to hire the janitors again.
MIC: Oh, I’ll bust this case. (clenches his fist) I’ll bust it good! (Teacher exits)
MIC: Strike team assemble! (strike team enters – Clem, Lame, and Randy)
CLEM: Oh, gee willikers, boss. What’s up?
MIC: Hey, listen up guys. (they huddle) Some jerk is counterfeiting bus tickets and we need to bust him good. (clenches fist) But first we better track down some leads. (Student 3 enters humming to himself)
CLEM: (grabs student) Hey, I got one, boss. Huyuck! (strike team surrounds him)
MIC: (addressing Student 3) Who’s forging the bus tickets?
STUDENT 3: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
MIC: Where did you get the bus ticket?
STUDENT 3: I dunno.
MIC: That’s it. Nuggie time! (He nuggies student)
STUDENT 3: Hey! (Mic nuggies him more) Okay, okay – kid named Sid! (Mic lets him go)
MIC: Sid? (Sid/Tiny enters opposite side of stage)
STUDENT 3: He sells tickets out of his backpack. You can find him, conveniently, at the other side of the stage.
MIC: Thanks. Now beat it. (Student 3 exits) (Sid is inside Tiny’s backpack and Tiny holds sign that says “Bus Tickets 4 Sale.” A line of kids are buying tickets from Sid)
MIC: Hey, there he is. (Strike team surrounds him)
TINY: What do you guys want? (Sid continues to sell tickets out of backpack)
MIC: We hear you’re selling bus tickets?
SID: I’m just an honest businessman.
LAME: You’re a criminimal.
SID: A what?
MIC: Get out of there. (Strike Team pulls Sid from backpack) It’s clobberin’ time!
TINY: See ya later, dude. (exits)
CLEM: (Strike Team is holding Sid) The jig is up, feller.
MIC: Confess. We got you red-handed.
SID: What about my constitutional rights?
MIC: You’re in middle school. You don’t have any constitutional rights.
SID: (trying to escape) Help! MIC: Maybe a wedgie will change your mind.
SID: Okay, I confess. I counterfeited the tickets and sold them for extra cash. I did it. I did it. Just let me go. (strike team lets him down)
MIC: It’s off to detention for you. Take him away, boys. (strike team carries Sid off. Principal enters)
PRINCIPAL: Excellent work! No troublemakers can escape the like of Mic Vackey.
MIC: All in a day’s work, Mrs. Principal.
MSX: music sting
LIGHTS: blackout
NEWSBREAK
script © 2007 by by Harry Michael Bagdasian
Cast: Phillip Stone, Rebecca Brinsley Strange
LIGHTS: come up on Phillip Stone at the news desk.
STONE: And now it’s time for our special weekly feature – I like to call “news from the weird …”
REBECCA: (from offstage) I heard that!
STONE: Here she is now … our very own denizen of “The Far Side” … commentator Rebecca Brinsley Strange. What’s it all about, Rebecca?
REBECCA: Getting even.
STONE: Like “don’t get mad …”
REBECCA: “…get even.” You bet your BMW, buster.
STONE: What have you invented now?
REBECCA: The latest in techo-hardware. When you open your computer and discover you have a virus, you activate this device, it immediately tracks down the creator of the virus ...
STONE: ... and reports them to the authorities?
REBECCA: Oh yeah, like that’s gonna help.
STONE: They could be arrested and taken to court and …
REBECCA: No courts, no lawyers no tricks and gimmicks just to let the perpetrators get off with a hand slap or a few years in the pokey while you and I pay to house, clothe and feed the creepy geek? Nosiree!
STONE: The authorities should be informed so that justice can be done.
REBECCA: It’s not about justice … it’s about getting even. When you get hit by a virus you just engage this new device and revenge is yours.
STONE: How?
REBECCA: First, uses the latest satellite technology to track down the computer on which the virus was written.
STONE: Even if they have a firewall? REBECCA: This puppy rips through firewalls like Mr. B tears through a case of diet coke.
STONE: So it signals something to the hacker’s computer?
REBECCA: More than something …it signals a whole mess of things. It cross-wires the hacker’s computer so it works slower than a six grader trying to find pi to the 13th digit without a calculator.
STONE: Real slow, huh?
REBECCA: As slow as those tofu snacks sell in our school’s vending machines.
STONE: So you wreck the hacker’s computer …
REBECCA: That’s not all. Once the hacker’s computer is a shadow of its former self, a signal is sent to the hacker’s other electronic devices. His Blackberry becomes good for a doorstop … his cell phone will die … his TV dish will only get public access programs … his credit cards will be only good for picking their teeth! The hacker will be destroyed!
STONE: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
REBECCA: What?
STONE: You’re going to wreck someone’s life with that thing!
REBECCA: Yeah, well that’s the plan, Stone.
STONE: Where can I buy one? (takes the device from Rebecca, examines it, then … ) Wait a minute. This is just a 65 mega byte memory stick. This can’t track down hackers.
REBECCA: (sighs, then …) Yeah, but wouldn’t it be nice?
STONE: Yeah.
MSX: music sting
LIGHTS: blackout
SLAW & DISORDER, part II
script ©2007 by Austen Villemez
Cast: Mic, Shattner, Sid, Prosecutor, Medium, CSI Chick, CSI Dude, Clem, Lame, Randy, Judge Kahn
When music goes out …
FOLLOWSPOTS: up on Announcer
ANNOUNCER: In the United States, the criminal justice system is exploited by television personalities of varying sanity for comic intent. The following is one feeble attempt.
LIGHTS: up full stage
We're in a courtroom type setting
FOLLOWSPOTS: out
MIC: Hear ye. Hear ye. This court is now in session. The honorable Judge Kahn is now presiding.
JUDGE: Defendant and his lawyer from Boston Legal, how do you plead?
SHATTNER: Your…Honor…The defend…ant pleads…not guilty. My client…was…just a…honest…businessman…who…(long pause)…was assaulted…by these…hooligan cops.
PROSECUTOR: Objection! Your Honor, my psychic medium said nothing about hooligan cops.
MEDIUM: Oh, no. I foresaw everything in a dream and we put the wrong man in jail. Oh, no. Oh, no.
PROSECUTOR: What?! Why didn’t you tell me this before?
MEDIUM: I just fell asleep while the Defense was talking.
SHATTNER: Your…Hon...or. We must…settle this…for the sake of…(long pause)…Justice. (CSI Chick and Dude enter)
CSI CHICK: We can settle this. SID: Can you really save me?
CSI DUDE: Yes we can. We use science.
MEDIUM: Oh, no. My dreams. How can I be a good mother? Oh, no.
PROSECUTOR: Shut up.
CSI CHICK: We can prove your guilt or innocence using DNA.
CSI DUDE: That’s what we do! Cool, eh
CSI CHICK: Just let me see the ticket please. (Prosecutor gives her the ticket) Now watch as we perform boring tests in a really cool way.
LIGHTS: blackout
FOLLOWSPOTS: green gel – up on CSI Chick and CSI Dude.
MSX: music up – upbeat rock music like on the TV show
CSI Chick and Dude swab ticket with Q-tips, then just
dance around and look at Q-tips while music plays.
Then CSI Dude eats ticket and chews it.
PROSECUTOR: (Shouts) Hey! Are you done yet?
MSX: music cuts out
LIGHTS: up full stage
CSI Dude and CSI Chick return to courtroom area
CSI DUDE: (spits chewed up ticket into his hand) What?
SID: The test!
SHATTNER: We … are …wait …
MEDIUM: (interrupts him) …waiting for the test. Oh my gawd, how did I know that? Oh, no. Oh, no!
CSI DUDE: (looks at chewed ticket) Uh, yeah. Shatner did it.
MIC: Strike Team assemble! We got him right here. (strike team grabs Shatner)
SHATNER: No, wait. You can’t do this to me!
JUDGE: Case dismissed. The defendant is free to go.
SID: (grabs ticket) Yoink! (exits)
JUDGE: (bangs gavel) Hear ye. Hear ye! I sentence the Principal to seven years of cleaning the grease traps in the school cafeteria! And I hold you in contempt for being so boring.
SHATNER: Kaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!! (strike team takes him away)
PROSECUTOR: Let’s get out of here.
MEDIUM: Wait. I knew you would say that.
PROSECUTOR: Geeze, you’re annoying!
MEDIUM: I knew you’d say that too. (both exit)
JUDGE: CSI girl, can you explain this mystical DNA to me?
CSI CHICK: Sure thing, Judge.
MSX: music up – cool rock music like on the TV show
LIGHTS: blackout
FOLLOWSPOTS: in Green – up on Judge and CSI Chick & CSI Dude
the three of them just dance around looking at Q-tips.
Hold for five seconds or so, then ..
FOLLOWSPOTS: out
MSX: music out
GETTING TOUGH ON CRIME
SLAW & DISORDER part 1
NEWSBREAK
SLAW & DISORDER part 2
OPENING: GETTING TOUGH ON CRIME
script ©2007 by Harry Michael Bagdasian CAST: (5+) Police Chief O’Drulle, Chad, Mayor McDoo, Evil Bagpipe McHaggis, Plitt, & the entire cast
LIGHTS: up on Mayor’s office
Mayor McDoo is asleep in his chair,
his assistant, Chad, enters
MSX: music fades out
CHAD: (entering) Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor, wake up!
CHIEF: (entering) Mayor McDoo.
MAYOR: Police Chief O’Drulle!
CHIEF: You have to do something about the crime wave that’s hitting our city.
MAYOR: Of course! (boasting) I am the “can do” mayor, the crime stopping mayor! (then, almost whining) What am I going to do to stop this crime wave in our fair city?
CHIEF: A new anti-crime commission is working on a comprehensive study.
CHAD: They’ve been studying crime for nine years!
BAGPIPE: (enters with gun drawn) All right, no sudden moves, gentlemen. Gimme yer wallets. (as they do that …) Time for the rich to give to the poor.
CHAD: And what poor would that be?
BAGPIPE: (indicating self) This poor, laddie. (takes the three wallets) I got kids to put through private schools and this haggis-brain (indicate Mayor) keeps raising taxes on us poor working stiffs.
MAYOR: You – you’re the evil Bagpipe McHaggis!
BAGPIPE: Right you are, laddie. Keep your hands up high!
CHIEF: Why don’t you get honest work?
BAGPIPE: It takes three jobs now to feed my seven children and make the ends meet.
MAYOR: (as Bagpipe is leaving) What are your other jobs?
BAGPIPE: I’m a dealer at the casino and I’m a greeter at Wal Mart.
PLITT: (running in, has pad and paper) Mr. McHaggis! Mr. McHaggis! I’m with the city’s anti crime commission. Could you answer a few questions?
BAGPIPE: Certainly.
PLITT: What’s your favorite color?
BAGPIPE: Uh, blue.
PLITT: How many crimes do you commit weekly? 1? 2 to 5? 6 to 10? 10 or more?
BAGPIPE: 10 or more.
PLITT: If the city increased the penalty for crime, would the number of crimes you commit … a) decrease … b) remain the same … or c) increase?
BAGPIPE: “B,” “remain the same”
PLITT: Thank you, sir. Could you sign here? (hands clipboard and pen to McHaggis)
BAGPIPE: (gives gun to Plitt) Hold them off for me, will ya? (without even thinking twice, Plitt holds the gun on the other three men while Bagpipe signs.)
PLITT: And put down you current address and email address, please. (Bagpipe nods and continues writing, then they exchange gun for clipboard and pen) Thank you, sir.
BAGPIPE: Glad to oblige. I will now be off! (exits)
PLITT: Mr. Mayor, your anti-crime commission is always on the job!
CHIEF: Excellent move, Plitt! We now have his home address. We can capture him!
MAYOR: What did he write?
PLITT: (studying the piece of paper) I can’t read his writing!
MAYOR: If you could read it, what would it say?
MANY STUDENTS: (enter and tell the audience …) Live, from E. Brooke Lee Middle School .. It’s Friday Night!!!
MSX: music sting
LIGHTS: blackout
SLAW & DISORDER, part I
Script © 2007 by Austen Villemez
Cast: Announcer, Teacher, Sid, Students 1, 2, and 3, Mic, Clem, Lame, Randy, Tiny, Principal, line of kids
FOLLOWSPOT: up on Announcer
ANNOUNCER: In the educational world there are two important, yet unequal, groups: the students who act like criminals and the teachers who persecute them. These are their stories.
MSX: music – crime show type theme – 8 sec. max.
LIGHTS: up on teacher managing a line of kids going to the bus.
TEACHER: Hey, hey. I need your bus tickets. (Student 1 gives her a ticket, exits) Thank you. . (Student 2 gives her a ticket, exits) Thank you.
SID: Your hair’s on fire!
TEACHER: What?!?
SID: Yoink! (grabs ticket and runs off)
TEACHER: Hey, get back here!! (Student 3 taps her on the shoulder) What?
STUDENT 3: I need a bus ticket.
TEACHER: You were supposed to have one.
STUDENT 3: But, but…
TEACHER: But nothing. You just don’t get to go home today. (Student 3 walks off sadly) All right. Is that everybody?
STUDENT 3: (runs back in) Wait, wait! I have a ticket!
TEACHER: Where did you get it?
STUDENT 3: I, uh, had it the whole time. Yeah, that’ll do.
TEACHER: Fine. You get to go home. (Student 3 exits) Something fishy about this. I’m calling Mic Vacky. (Mic enters while she’s talking.)
MIC: Mic here.
TEACHER: Wow, that was quick.
MIC: I was in the neighborhood, staking out a gang of bathroom graffiti artists. I’ll show them who has a good time. (clenches fist)
TEACHER: Never mind that. I have a new assignment for you. I suspect someone is forging bus tickets. Too many kids are going home on the bus and we don’t have anyone to clean the grease traps at night.
MIC: I see.
TEACHER: Find this culprit before we have to hire the janitors again.
MIC: Oh, I’ll bust this case. (clenches his fist) I’ll bust it good! (Teacher exits)
MIC: Strike team assemble! (strike team enters – Clem, Lame, and Randy)
CLEM: Oh, gee willikers, boss. What’s up?
MIC: Hey, listen up guys. (they huddle) Some jerk is counterfeiting bus tickets and we need to bust him good. (clenches fist) But first we better track down some leads. (Student 3 enters humming to himself)
CLEM: (grabs student) Hey, I got one, boss. Huyuck! (strike team surrounds him)
MIC: (addressing Student 3) Who’s forging the bus tickets?
STUDENT 3: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
MIC: Where did you get the bus ticket?
STUDENT 3: I dunno.
MIC: That’s it. Nuggie time! (He nuggies student)
STUDENT 3: Hey! (Mic nuggies him more) Okay, okay – kid named Sid! (Mic lets him go)
MIC: Sid? (Sid/Tiny enters opposite side of stage)
STUDENT 3: He sells tickets out of his backpack. You can find him, conveniently, at the other side of the stage.
MIC: Thanks. Now beat it. (Student 3 exits) (Sid is inside Tiny’s backpack and Tiny holds sign that says “Bus Tickets 4 Sale.” A line of kids are buying tickets from Sid)
MIC: Hey, there he is. (Strike team surrounds him)
TINY: What do you guys want? (Sid continues to sell tickets out of backpack)
MIC: We hear you’re selling bus tickets?
SID: I’m just an honest businessman.
LAME: You’re a criminimal.
SID: A what?
MIC: Get out of there. (Strike Team pulls Sid from backpack) It’s clobberin’ time!
TINY: See ya later, dude. (exits)
CLEM: (Strike Team is holding Sid) The jig is up, feller.
MIC: Confess. We got you red-handed.
SID: What about my constitutional rights?
MIC: You’re in middle school. You don’t have any constitutional rights.
SID: (trying to escape) Help! MIC: Maybe a wedgie will change your mind.
SID: Okay, I confess. I counterfeited the tickets and sold them for extra cash. I did it. I did it. Just let me go. (strike team lets him down)
MIC: It’s off to detention for you. Take him away, boys. (strike team carries Sid off. Principal enters)
PRINCIPAL: Excellent work! No troublemakers can escape the like of Mic Vackey.
MIC: All in a day’s work, Mrs. Principal.
MSX: music sting
LIGHTS: blackout
NEWSBREAK
script © 2007 by by Harry Michael Bagdasian
Cast: Phillip Stone, Rebecca Brinsley Strange
LIGHTS: come up on Phillip Stone at the news desk.
STONE: And now it’s time for our special weekly feature – I like to call “news from the weird …”
REBECCA: (from offstage) I heard that!
STONE: Here she is now … our very own denizen of “The Far Side” … commentator Rebecca Brinsley Strange. What’s it all about, Rebecca?
REBECCA: Getting even.
STONE: Like “don’t get mad …”
REBECCA: “…get even.” You bet your BMW, buster.
STONE: What have you invented now?
REBECCA: The latest in techo-hardware. When you open your computer and discover you have a virus, you activate this device, it immediately tracks down the creator of the virus ...
STONE: ... and reports them to the authorities?
REBECCA: Oh yeah, like that’s gonna help.
STONE: They could be arrested and taken to court and …
REBECCA: No courts, no lawyers no tricks and gimmicks just to let the perpetrators get off with a hand slap or a few years in the pokey while you and I pay to house, clothe and feed the creepy geek? Nosiree!
STONE: The authorities should be informed so that justice can be done.
REBECCA: It’s not about justice … it’s about getting even. When you get hit by a virus you just engage this new device and revenge is yours.
STONE: How?
REBECCA: First, uses the latest satellite technology to track down the computer on which the virus was written.
STONE: Even if they have a firewall? REBECCA: This puppy rips through firewalls like Mr. B tears through a case of diet coke.
STONE: So it signals something to the hacker’s computer?
REBECCA: More than something …it signals a whole mess of things. It cross-wires the hacker’s computer so it works slower than a six grader trying to find pi to the 13th digit without a calculator.
STONE: Real slow, huh?
REBECCA: As slow as those tofu snacks sell in our school’s vending machines.
STONE: So you wreck the hacker’s computer …
REBECCA: That’s not all. Once the hacker’s computer is a shadow of its former self, a signal is sent to the hacker’s other electronic devices. His Blackberry becomes good for a doorstop … his cell phone will die … his TV dish will only get public access programs … his credit cards will be only good for picking their teeth! The hacker will be destroyed!
STONE: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
REBECCA: What?
STONE: You’re going to wreck someone’s life with that thing!
REBECCA: Yeah, well that’s the plan, Stone.
STONE: Where can I buy one? (takes the device from Rebecca, examines it, then … ) Wait a minute. This is just a 65 mega byte memory stick. This can’t track down hackers.
REBECCA: (sighs, then …) Yeah, but wouldn’t it be nice?
STONE: Yeah.
MSX: music sting
LIGHTS: blackout
SLAW & DISORDER, part II
script ©2007 by Austen Villemez
Cast: Mic, Shattner, Sid, Prosecutor, Medium, CSI Chick, CSI Dude, Clem, Lame, Randy, Judge Kahn
When music goes out …
FOLLOWSPOTS: up on Announcer
ANNOUNCER: In the United States, the criminal justice system is exploited by television personalities of varying sanity for comic intent. The following is one feeble attempt.
LIGHTS: up full stage
We're in a courtroom type setting
FOLLOWSPOTS: out
MIC: Hear ye. Hear ye. This court is now in session. The honorable Judge Kahn is now presiding.
JUDGE: Defendant and his lawyer from Boston Legal, how do you plead?
SHATTNER: Your…Honor…The defend…ant pleads…not guilty. My client…was…just a…honest…businessman…who…(long pause)…was assaulted…by these…hooligan cops.
PROSECUTOR: Objection! Your Honor, my psychic medium said nothing about hooligan cops.
MEDIUM: Oh, no. I foresaw everything in a dream and we put the wrong man in jail. Oh, no. Oh, no.
PROSECUTOR: What?! Why didn’t you tell me this before?
MEDIUM: I just fell asleep while the Defense was talking.
SHATTNER: Your…Hon...or. We must…settle this…for the sake of…(long pause)…Justice. (CSI Chick and Dude enter)
CSI CHICK: We can settle this. SID: Can you really save me?
CSI DUDE: Yes we can. We use science.
MEDIUM: Oh, no. My dreams. How can I be a good mother? Oh, no.
PROSECUTOR: Shut up.
CSI CHICK: We can prove your guilt or innocence using DNA.
CSI DUDE: That’s what we do! Cool, eh
CSI CHICK: Just let me see the ticket please. (Prosecutor gives her the ticket) Now watch as we perform boring tests in a really cool way.
LIGHTS: blackout
FOLLOWSPOTS: green gel – up on CSI Chick and CSI Dude.
MSX: music up – upbeat rock music like on the TV show
CSI Chick and Dude swab ticket with Q-tips, then just
dance around and look at Q-tips while music plays.
Then CSI Dude eats ticket and chews it.
PROSECUTOR: (Shouts) Hey! Are you done yet?
MSX: music cuts out
LIGHTS: up full stage
CSI Dude and CSI Chick return to courtroom area
CSI DUDE: (spits chewed up ticket into his hand) What?
SID: The test!
SHATTNER: We … are …wait …
MEDIUM: (interrupts him) …waiting for the test. Oh my gawd, how did I know that? Oh, no. Oh, no!
CSI DUDE: (looks at chewed ticket) Uh, yeah. Shatner did it.
MIC: Strike Team assemble! We got him right here. (strike team grabs Shatner)
SHATNER: No, wait. You can’t do this to me!
JUDGE: Case dismissed. The defendant is free to go.
SID: (grabs ticket) Yoink! (exits)
JUDGE: (bangs gavel) Hear ye. Hear ye! I sentence the Principal to seven years of cleaning the grease traps in the school cafeteria! And I hold you in contempt for being so boring.
SHATNER: Kaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!! (strike team takes him away)
PROSECUTOR: Let’s get out of here.
MEDIUM: Wait. I knew you would say that.
PROSECUTOR: Geeze, you’re annoying!
MEDIUM: I knew you’d say that too. (both exit)
JUDGE: CSI girl, can you explain this mystical DNA to me?
CSI CHICK: Sure thing, Judge.
MSX: music up – cool rock music like on the TV show
LIGHTS: blackout
FOLLOWSPOTS: in Green – up on Judge and CSI Chick & CSI Dude
the three of them just dance around looking at Q-tips.
Hold for five seconds or so, then ..
FOLLOWSPOTS: out
MSX: music out
